well.  you're still here blog....i am too.  still hanging around these parts?

just put the boy to sleep and had a big glass of red wine.  i actually savored it instead of sneaking it.  petite sirah---not my fave but it'll sure do.

so here are some of my dreams.

• become a photographer
• make jewelry
• become a gemologist
• go to cosmetology school
• do something singy
• be a piano player for events
• freaking do SOMETHING

that's it.  that's enough though, those are some good dreams.

but i don't even want to type them.  because the voice inside my head says DUMB.  you can't do that, you're behind, you're not good enough, you're not smart enough, you're not skinny enough, you don't want to work long hours or weekends do you, you're not southern enough, you're not savvy enough, you're awkward, and lastly, just try keeping up with the laundry, you have enough to do.

buhhh, that voice is horrible.

why is it so mean?  why doesn't it say yeah great idea!  do that!  how can you take one step toward any of your goals today?  why does it have to be mean?

anyone else have a mean head voice?  anyone else want to dream and take action with me?

Hello little blog

Hello again blog, it's me. Your writer. I had a baby since we last spoke, a freaking baby. It was hell, by the way thanks for asking. After I had him no pain meds I was like why are you saying congratulations that was the worse experience of my life. Then a couple days later I was like, that's cool, I got a baby! Now I'm like, I might do that again.

He's so freaking cute. He blows raspberries and other completely mundane things that melt the hearts of people who want their hearts to be melted by those things. He grows really fast and is fat and chubby, he's not as fat as some babies though which is slightly disappointing. Fat babies are so cute. But I think M is perfect. However, I told myself I would never think my child was perfect because I don't want to be blinded by his faults and think he can't do wrong. I don't want I raise a brat. But he is so perfect. He won't be a brat, don't worry.

Right now he can kinda laugh which gets me like nothing else. A when I say he can kinda laugh, I mean sometimes he gets so excited and smiles and squeals and then still has some excitement left over and he's like oh man what do I do with the left over excitement! So freaking cute.

Gotta go to bed now because one thing they don't tell you about breast feeding is, even if your baby sleeps, your boobs wake you up because they're so full and you can't go back to sleep. Damn you nutritional sacks on my chest, I just wanna sleep a little longer.