June 14th, 2012 - 9:53pm

I have been hiding from you, little blog.  I have not written in a week.  I've been intentionally avoiding you.  On purpose.

The past week has had its ups and downs, and when things are down I withdraw.  While in hiding, I realized that I've been expecting Brian to make me happy.  This is bad.  Very bad.  Too much pressure for a human being.  Leads to two very unhappy humans.  Just the opposite intended reaction---ironic.  But we're working through it and it's really cool.  Much much more rewarding.  This leads to two happy individuals!  So thankful for grace and mercy and a husband who shows Christs' love and faithfulness.  And a God who has grace on His children, real grace.


So we read chapters two and three of Grace for the Good Girl this week for small group.  I got back from it about an hour ago, got some chocolate ice cream, and came to face you, blog.

Her book rocked my world again this week.  So much so, that I hid.  From the book about how to come out of hiding.

Quotes that stood out to me:

Good means I never mess up.  Good means, I weigh the perfect amount.  Good means I can handle everything, I don't look like a fool, and I never lose my patience.  Good means my hand will never be disappointed in me, my kids will always obey, and everyone basically likes me.  Good means I am enough (p. 25).  Sound familiar? 

If I fail to live up to my own standard of good, I label myself a failure.  I lack motivation.  I become indifferent.  I entertain anxiety.  I snap at my children.  I want to be alone.  I dream of Hawaiian vacations.  I wallow (p. 25). Can you relate?

I was a good girls and I wanted to be a good girl, but it often kepy me from saying what I really meant.  In fact, my desire to be good even kept me from exploring my own opinion, and I grew up to believe that my opinion didn't actually matter much anyway (p. 27).  Hard to know what you believe when you think your opinions aren't valid.

Not only that, I hated the way I hung the pictures throughout the house.  Our bedroom constantly had dirty clothes on the floor, our bathroom was in desperate need of some Clorox, and the kitchen was a disorganized mess.  Of course, that shouldn't have matter since I rarely cooked.  The guest room was filled with boxes that needed emptying, a closet that needed organizing, projects that needed finishing, and a wedding gown that needed cleaning (p. 29).  This is me, exactly.  To a Tee. I'm learning to work through this/grow up. 

And many more.

So here are Emily Freeman's questions from chapters two and three.

1. The way I defined being good in my life was overblown and exaggerated.  Do you have a definition of good that may be twisted or irrational?  what is it?
2. Describe your invisible good girl, good Christian, good wife, or good mom.  What does she look like?  Who does she sound like?  How do you feel sitting next to her?
3. What aspects of your performance are you unwilling to let go?  What do you think will happen if you do?
4. What does living safely look like for you?  How would things be different if you could live free?

CAMERAAAAA!

ok! i started!  jon acuff would be proud.

i got the nikon d3100 and it's coming today.  i'm watching this video now to prepare!!

well.  you're still here blog....i am too.  still hanging around these parts?

just put the boy to sleep and had a big glass of red wine.  i actually savored it instead of sneaking it.  petite sirah---not my fave but it'll sure do.

so here are some of my dreams.

• become a photographer
• make jewelry
• become a gemologist
• go to cosmetology school
• do something singy
• be a piano player for events
• freaking do SOMETHING

that's it.  that's enough though, those are some good dreams.

but i don't even want to type them.  because the voice inside my head says DUMB.  you can't do that, you're behind, you're not good enough, you're not smart enough, you're not skinny enough, you don't want to work long hours or weekends do you, you're not southern enough, you're not savvy enough, you're awkward, and lastly, just try keeping up with the laundry, you have enough to do.

buhhh, that voice is horrible.

why is it so mean?  why doesn't it say yeah great idea!  do that!  how can you take one step toward any of your goals today?  why does it have to be mean?

anyone else have a mean head voice?  anyone else want to dream and take action with me?

Hello little blog

Hello again blog, it's me. Your writer. I had a baby since we last spoke, a freaking baby. It was hell, by the way thanks for asking. After I had him no pain meds I was like why are you saying congratulations that was the worse experience of my life. Then a couple days later I was like, that's cool, I got a baby! Now I'm like, I might do that again.

He's so freaking cute. He blows raspberries and other completely mundane things that melt the hearts of people who want their hearts to be melted by those things. He grows really fast and is fat and chubby, he's not as fat as some babies though which is slightly disappointing. Fat babies are so cute. But I think M is perfect. However, I told myself I would never think my child was perfect because I don't want to be blinded by his faults and think he can't do wrong. I don't want I raise a brat. But he is so perfect. He won't be a brat, don't worry.

Right now he can kinda laugh which gets me like nothing else. A when I say he can kinda laugh, I mean sometimes he gets so excited and smiles and squeals and then still has some excitement left over and he's like oh man what do I do with the left over excitement! So freaking cute.

Gotta go to bed now because one thing they don't tell you about breast feeding is, even if your baby sleeps, your boobs wake you up because they're so full and you can't go back to sleep. Damn you nutritional sacks on my chest, I just wanna sleep a little longer.