June 14th, 2012 - 9:53pm

I have been hiding from you, little blog.  I have not written in a week.  I've been intentionally avoiding you.  On purpose.

The past week has had its ups and downs, and when things are down I withdraw.  While in hiding, I realized that I've been expecting Brian to make me happy.  This is bad.  Very bad.  Too much pressure for a human being.  Leads to two very unhappy humans.  Just the opposite intended reaction---ironic.  But we're working through it and it's really cool.  Much much more rewarding.  This leads to two happy individuals!  So thankful for grace and mercy and a husband who shows Christs' love and faithfulness.  And a God who has grace on His children, real grace.


So we read chapters two and three of Grace for the Good Girl this week for small group.  I got back from it about an hour ago, got some chocolate ice cream, and came to face you, blog.

Her book rocked my world again this week.  So much so, that I hid.  From the book about how to come out of hiding.

Quotes that stood out to me:

Good means I never mess up.  Good means, I weigh the perfect amount.  Good means I can handle everything, I don't look like a fool, and I never lose my patience.  Good means my hand will never be disappointed in me, my kids will always obey, and everyone basically likes me.  Good means I am enough (p. 25).  Sound familiar? 

If I fail to live up to my own standard of good, I label myself a failure.  I lack motivation.  I become indifferent.  I entertain anxiety.  I snap at my children.  I want to be alone.  I dream of Hawaiian vacations.  I wallow (p. 25). Can you relate?

I was a good girls and I wanted to be a good girl, but it often kepy me from saying what I really meant.  In fact, my desire to be good even kept me from exploring my own opinion, and I grew up to believe that my opinion didn't actually matter much anyway (p. 27).  Hard to know what you believe when you think your opinions aren't valid.

Not only that, I hated the way I hung the pictures throughout the house.  Our bedroom constantly had dirty clothes on the floor, our bathroom was in desperate need of some Clorox, and the kitchen was a disorganized mess.  Of course, that shouldn't have matter since I rarely cooked.  The guest room was filled with boxes that needed emptying, a closet that needed organizing, projects that needed finishing, and a wedding gown that needed cleaning (p. 29).  This is me, exactly.  To a Tee. I'm learning to work through this/grow up. 

And many more.

So here are Emily Freeman's questions from chapters two and three.

1. The way I defined being good in my life was overblown and exaggerated.  Do you have a definition of good that may be twisted or irrational?  what is it?
2. Describe your invisible good girl, good Christian, good wife, or good mom.  What does she look like?  Who does she sound like?  How do you feel sitting next to her?
3. What aspects of your performance are you unwilling to let go?  What do you think will happen if you do?
4. What does living safely look like for you?  How would things be different if you could live free?

CAMERAAAAA!

ok! i started!  jon acuff would be proud.

i got the nikon d3100 and it's coming today.  i'm watching this video now to prepare!!

well.  you're still here blog....i am too.  still hanging around these parts?

just put the boy to sleep and had a big glass of red wine.  i actually savored it instead of sneaking it.  petite sirah---not my fave but it'll sure do.

so here are some of my dreams.

• become a photographer
• make jewelry
• become a gemologist
• go to cosmetology school
• do something singy
• be a piano player for events
• freaking do SOMETHING

that's it.  that's enough though, those are some good dreams.

but i don't even want to type them.  because the voice inside my head says DUMB.  you can't do that, you're behind, you're not good enough, you're not smart enough, you're not skinny enough, you don't want to work long hours or weekends do you, you're not southern enough, you're not savvy enough, you're awkward, and lastly, just try keeping up with the laundry, you have enough to do.

buhhh, that voice is horrible.

why is it so mean?  why doesn't it say yeah great idea!  do that!  how can you take one step toward any of your goals today?  why does it have to be mean?

anyone else have a mean head voice?  anyone else want to dream and take action with me?

Hello little blog

Hello again blog, it's me. Your writer. I had a baby since we last spoke, a freaking baby. It was hell, by the way thanks for asking. After I had him no pain meds I was like why are you saying congratulations that was the worse experience of my life. Then a couple days later I was like, that's cool, I got a baby! Now I'm like, I might do that again.

He's so freaking cute. He blows raspberries and other completely mundane things that melt the hearts of people who want their hearts to be melted by those things. He grows really fast and is fat and chubby, he's not as fat as some babies though which is slightly disappointing. Fat babies are so cute. But I think M is perfect. However, I told myself I would never think my child was perfect because I don't want to be blinded by his faults and think he can't do wrong. I don't want I raise a brat. But he is so perfect. He won't be a brat, don't worry.

Right now he can kinda laugh which gets me like nothing else. A when I say he can kinda laugh, I mean sometimes he gets so excited and smiles and squeals and then still has some excitement left over and he's like oh man what do I do with the left over excitement! So freaking cute.

Gotta go to bed now because one thing they don't tell you about breast feeding is, even if your baby sleeps, your boobs wake you up because they're so full and you can't go back to sleep. Damn you nutritional sacks on my chest, I just wanna sleep a little longer.

Grace for the Good Girl, Introduction and Chapter 1

Well, I read the intro and first chapter to Grace for the Good Girl.  These are the main questions author Emily P. Freeman asks:

1. Is there something you are hiding from?
2. Is there something you are hiding behind?
3. Can you identify your brand of good girl?  In what areas have you been tempted to depend on yourself?
4. What does life look like for you when you are being driven by fear?  What is your "sometimes truth" that challenges Love's lead in your life?
5. Do you agree that the best part of hiding is being found?  Why or why not?

I'll try to be HONEST as I answer here.

1. Is there something you are hiding from?  (Reveals what you fear.)
• I am hiding from what may happen in the future, loosing Brian or our unborn child, loosing my parents, brother or sister, brother-in-law and niece.  I am hiding from my friends dying.  Being physically mangled, paralyzed or dismembered.  Having a brain injury and never knowing what happened to someone I care about.  Just to name a few.
2. Is there something you are hiding behind?   (Reveals where you put your trust.)
• I hide behind my smile, appearance, fun clothing, good family upbringing, the fact that I follow rules and have 'done life right'.  I hide behind other people making decisions for me.
3. Can you identify your brand of good girl?  In what areas have you been tempted to depend on yourself?
• I don't know what kind of good girl I am yet .  But I have been tempted to depend on myself in the areas of...hmmm.  I don't really know what the question is asking.  I'll ask someone about it at small group tonight.  
4. What does life look like for you when you are being driven by fear?  What is your "sometimes truth" that challenges Love's lead in your life?
• When driven by fear, my life feels tight.  Very tight.  Wound so tightly that there is no room for anything but my fear.  I treat those I love with anger and impatience, disregard and insolence.  (I normally treat people I do not know or love with contempt, it just seeps into those I love when I am living in fear.)  My "sometimes truth" is that I am better than everyone.  That "I would rather read People magazine than the Bible and that I judge people who would rather read People magazine than the Bible.  I am more insecure than I would ever admit.  The weight of expectation is heavy and often unbearable.  Comparison is a constant companion.  I have unexplained anxiety and that I don't quite measure up" (GftGG, p. 20-21).  If I HAD to choose one of those, it would be the last, I think.  
5. Do you agree that the best part of hiding is being found?  Why or why not?
• I do agree that the best part of hiding is being found, because I have experienced it.  I have felt the "holy shift" Freeman talks about in my walk with Christ.  "And before I realize it, there has been a holy shift.  My insatiable need to prove my own goodness to God and the world fades into the background, and instead I receive truth and offer worship to the only One deserving of it" (GftGG, p. 19).  I have seen Him find me.  I have felt it.  I have watched it.  I can recognize periods of being found.  Of muchness and being known.  I experienced this from Him as well as my husband.  To feel known, found, accepted, with flaws more visible than anything else.  I have felt that.  It feels good.  It feels right.  Safe in an open way, not the covered sort of way.  Safe in a truly safe type of way.  

One of the things I am most excited about in this book is someone putting words to my fears and thoughts.  "In order to explore the truth, we have to put words and images on those ingrained beliefs we have about God and what he expects of us.  We have to expose the invisible expectations and desires we know are there but may not have words for yet.  Let me give you the words.  Let offer my stories and the stories of women close to me" (GftGG, p. 14).  The lies are so deeply rooted, I don't know they're lies.  I'm excited about exposing them and realizing them for what they are, so Light can shine in and overtake them.

Thoughts of GftGG Intro and Ch 1

June 7th 9:30pm

Tonight at small group, I realized I'm a hider.  I hide myself behind masks.  The other girls were talking about the fact that they are thankful for the group because they can be themselves and be real during our time.  They share and are thankful for the time because they feel known and accepted.  Shoot, then what am I doing at our small group?

I've been attending small groups for at least ten years, I've lead them, I've co-lead, I've facilitated, I've been a member.  I've been as real as I can be and loved listening to the other members and hearing from them, learning from them and the Lord.  I've enjoyed going through the books we do, whether from the Bible or a workbook type thing. But I wouldn't say I've ever felt known and accepted by the other girls in the group.  Really known or really accepted.  Yikes.  I'm a hider.  How do I know this?  Because if I've played every role in a small group and have a great one now and still don't feel known or accepted, the problem isn't the small group, it's me.  I'm a hider.  I've tried to let people in, but the problem is that I don't know or accept myself.  So I can't show or share that with anyone else.  Not really. (Trying to think of a good analogy.)

Have I ever felt like I was being me?  Sure, I get glimpses of it.  I feel like me around my husband most of the time, around my family at times.  Sometimes around my friends, but that's rare.  Around everyone else, I have no idea what I'm portraying.  No idea how to Be Me.

Fourth Day

So it's Thursday and I don't go into work.  I slept in late because I went to bed late.  Yesterday was full to the brim, but a very nice day.  Woke up at 7:45 and went to work from 9:35-5:20, then went to worship band practice and then to a birthday party for a very good friend of ours and his birthday-mate, who is also a fun friend.  Such a great way to end the night.  Exhausted from the day's events, but laughing and enjoying fun games and intelligent company.  The kind of friends who talk about the transit of Venus and go to astronomy towers to watch it, and are fascinated when you tell them you got your underneath tongue cut when you were little because they are mostly all speech pathologists.

I woke up this morning around 9 and did my usual, take-my-temperature, take my thyroid pill, pee, and weigh myself routine.  (Taking my temperature is a form of natural birth control.  We use the Lady Comp.  It tells you when you're fertile and when you're not and you plan your activities accordingly.  Even though we're pregnant and clearly not in need of its services right now, I'm continuing to take my temp to stay in the routine and keep track of it.)  I checked my email, Facebook, and then watched the season finale of America's Next Top Model.  I am putting off starting to read the new book we're starting for small group.

It's called "Grace for the Good Girl".  (I can't remember from English whether you underline or quote books.  I think it's underline.  I'm not changing it.)  Intriguing title right?  I knew it would rock my world, but I didn't want to start it because I'm reluctant to change right now.  Except that I'm not.  But I am.  That battle inside that is constant, "Do I do what I know I should do?  Or do I rebel, act stubbornly, childishly?"

I want this blog to be a reflection of the Christ-good in me, not the squelching old nature that I've been rescued from.  So, I've decided to try a little harder at this blog.  To reflect the Christ-nature in me, not the old one. I will still be honest.  That's a huge goal of mine, but if I'm going to spend time writing this (reading this book, living this life), I should not give the old nature more power than it has, which is none.

So, I'm going to start reading this book now.  And setting the bar a little higher for myself.  I need to be challenged to remember that I am a New Creation and that the old was is dead and gone.  Back with more after I read the intro and first chapter.