June 7th 9:30pm
Tonight at small group, I realized I'm a hider. I hide myself behind masks. The other girls were talking about the fact that they are thankful for the group because they can be themselves and be real during our time. They share and are thankful for the time because they feel known and accepted. Shoot, then what am I doing at our small group?
I've been attending small groups for at least ten years, I've lead them, I've co-lead, I've facilitated, I've been a member. I've been as real as I can be and loved listening to the other members and hearing from them, learning from them and the Lord. I've enjoyed going through the books we do, whether from the Bible or a workbook type thing. But I wouldn't say I've ever felt known and accepted by the other girls in the group. Really known or really accepted. Yikes. I'm a hider. How do I know this? Because if I've played every role in a small group and have a great one now and still don't feel known or accepted, the problem isn't the small group, it's me. I'm a hider. I've tried to let people in, but the problem is that I don't know or accept myself. So I can't show or share that with anyone else. Not really. (Trying to think of a good analogy.)
Have I ever felt like I was being me? Sure, I get glimpses of it. I feel like me around my husband most of the time, around my family at times. Sometimes around my friends, but that's rare. Around everyone else, I have no idea what I'm portraying. No idea how to Be Me.
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