Grace for the Good Girl, Introduction and Chapter 1

Well, I read the intro and first chapter to Grace for the Good Girl.  These are the main questions author Emily P. Freeman asks:

1. Is there something you are hiding from?
2. Is there something you are hiding behind?
3. Can you identify your brand of good girl?  In what areas have you been tempted to depend on yourself?
4. What does life look like for you when you are being driven by fear?  What is your "sometimes truth" that challenges Love's lead in your life?
5. Do you agree that the best part of hiding is being found?  Why or why not?

I'll try to be HONEST as I answer here.

1. Is there something you are hiding from?  (Reveals what you fear.)
• I am hiding from what may happen in the future, loosing Brian or our unborn child, loosing my parents, brother or sister, brother-in-law and niece.  I am hiding from my friends dying.  Being physically mangled, paralyzed or dismembered.  Having a brain injury and never knowing what happened to someone I care about.  Just to name a few.
2. Is there something you are hiding behind?   (Reveals where you put your trust.)
• I hide behind my smile, appearance, fun clothing, good family upbringing, the fact that I follow rules and have 'done life right'.  I hide behind other people making decisions for me.
3. Can you identify your brand of good girl?  In what areas have you been tempted to depend on yourself?
• I don't know what kind of good girl I am yet .  But I have been tempted to depend on myself in the areas of...hmmm.  I don't really know what the question is asking.  I'll ask someone about it at small group tonight.  
4. What does life look like for you when you are being driven by fear?  What is your "sometimes truth" that challenges Love's lead in your life?
• When driven by fear, my life feels tight.  Very tight.  Wound so tightly that there is no room for anything but my fear.  I treat those I love with anger and impatience, disregard and insolence.  (I normally treat people I do not know or love with contempt, it just seeps into those I love when I am living in fear.)  My "sometimes truth" is that I am better than everyone.  That "I would rather read People magazine than the Bible and that I judge people who would rather read People magazine than the Bible.  I am more insecure than I would ever admit.  The weight of expectation is heavy and often unbearable.  Comparison is a constant companion.  I have unexplained anxiety and that I don't quite measure up" (GftGG, p. 20-21).  If I HAD to choose one of those, it would be the last, I think.  
5. Do you agree that the best part of hiding is being found?  Why or why not?
• I do agree that the best part of hiding is being found, because I have experienced it.  I have felt the "holy shift" Freeman talks about in my walk with Christ.  "And before I realize it, there has been a holy shift.  My insatiable need to prove my own goodness to God and the world fades into the background, and instead I receive truth and offer worship to the only One deserving of it" (GftGG, p. 19).  I have seen Him find me.  I have felt it.  I have watched it.  I can recognize periods of being found.  Of muchness and being known.  I experienced this from Him as well as my husband.  To feel known, found, accepted, with flaws more visible than anything else.  I have felt that.  It feels good.  It feels right.  Safe in an open way, not the covered sort of way.  Safe in a truly safe type of way.  

One of the things I am most excited about in this book is someone putting words to my fears and thoughts.  "In order to explore the truth, we have to put words and images on those ingrained beliefs we have about God and what he expects of us.  We have to expose the invisible expectations and desires we know are there but may not have words for yet.  Let me give you the words.  Let offer my stories and the stories of women close to me" (GftGG, p. 14).  The lies are so deeply rooted, I don't know they're lies.  I'm excited about exposing them and realizing them for what they are, so Light can shine in and overtake them.

Thoughts of GftGG Intro and Ch 1

June 7th 9:30pm

Tonight at small group, I realized I'm a hider.  I hide myself behind masks.  The other girls were talking about the fact that they are thankful for the group because they can be themselves and be real during our time.  They share and are thankful for the time because they feel known and accepted.  Shoot, then what am I doing at our small group?

I've been attending small groups for at least ten years, I've lead them, I've co-lead, I've facilitated, I've been a member.  I've been as real as I can be and loved listening to the other members and hearing from them, learning from them and the Lord.  I've enjoyed going through the books we do, whether from the Bible or a workbook type thing. But I wouldn't say I've ever felt known and accepted by the other girls in the group.  Really known or really accepted.  Yikes.  I'm a hider.  How do I know this?  Because if I've played every role in a small group and have a great one now and still don't feel known or accepted, the problem isn't the small group, it's me.  I'm a hider.  I've tried to let people in, but the problem is that I don't know or accept myself.  So I can't show or share that with anyone else.  Not really. (Trying to think of a good analogy.)

Have I ever felt like I was being me?  Sure, I get glimpses of it.  I feel like me around my husband most of the time, around my family at times.  Sometimes around my friends, but that's rare.  Around everyone else, I have no idea what I'm portraying.  No idea how to Be Me.

Fourth Day

So it's Thursday and I don't go into work.  I slept in late because I went to bed late.  Yesterday was full to the brim, but a very nice day.  Woke up at 7:45 and went to work from 9:35-5:20, then went to worship band practice and then to a birthday party for a very good friend of ours and his birthday-mate, who is also a fun friend.  Such a great way to end the night.  Exhausted from the day's events, but laughing and enjoying fun games and intelligent company.  The kind of friends who talk about the transit of Venus and go to astronomy towers to watch it, and are fascinated when you tell them you got your underneath tongue cut when you were little because they are mostly all speech pathologists.

I woke up this morning around 9 and did my usual, take-my-temperature, take my thyroid pill, pee, and weigh myself routine.  (Taking my temperature is a form of natural birth control.  We use the Lady Comp.  It tells you when you're fertile and when you're not and you plan your activities accordingly.  Even though we're pregnant and clearly not in need of its services right now, I'm continuing to take my temp to stay in the routine and keep track of it.)  I checked my email, Facebook, and then watched the season finale of America's Next Top Model.  I am putting off starting to read the new book we're starting for small group.

It's called "Grace for the Good Girl".  (I can't remember from English whether you underline or quote books.  I think it's underline.  I'm not changing it.)  Intriguing title right?  I knew it would rock my world, but I didn't want to start it because I'm reluctant to change right now.  Except that I'm not.  But I am.  That battle inside that is constant, "Do I do what I know I should do?  Or do I rebel, act stubbornly, childishly?"

I want this blog to be a reflection of the Christ-good in me, not the squelching old nature that I've been rescued from.  So, I've decided to try a little harder at this blog.  To reflect the Christ-nature in me, not the old one. I will still be honest.  That's a huge goal of mine, but if I'm going to spend time writing this (reading this book, living this life), I should not give the old nature more power than it has, which is none.

So, I'm going to start reading this book now.  And setting the bar a little higher for myself.  I need to be challenged to remember that I am a New Creation and that the old was is dead and gone.  Back with more after I read the intro and first chapter.

Still the Second Day

Well since I don't work on Tuesday and Thursday currently, I'll write again!

I can't remember what I wrote last, so I guess these won't be consecutive posts, just random.  That's what blogs are right?  (I have no idea what the OED would classify as a blog, or even if that word is in there.)

I just made some yummy chicken salad.

2 cups cooked chicken, canned Kroger brand
1/4 heaping cup finely sliced organic celery (organic because you eat the skin)
3/4 heaping cups halved red organic grapes (organic because you eat the skin)
1/2 heaping cup of Duke's mayonnaise (only brand that doesn't add sugar)
2 1/4 teaspoon dried parsley flakes
pinch of pepper

Mix all together and taste!  I had to force myself to put the fork down.

When I didn't go in to work today, I:

• Spent 2 hours taking felt pads off of our chairs and replacing them with smaller ones.  My thumbs are raw from rubbing the left over adhesive off.  No pain no gain.
• Cleaned the polished the table and chairs
• Tested leaf vs. no-leaf in the table layout
• Tried out chair positions
• Finally got our kitchen table set up!
• Moved everything that was around our table to the middle of kitchen so I can't get around easily.  Leaving it that way.
• Cleaned the toilet in the master bathroom with baking soda and vinegar
• Cleaned the tile floor with Swiffer Antibacterial with Febreeze (left over from before I wanted to make my own cleaning products)
• Trimmed my finger and toenails
• Made chicken salad for dinner, will make biscuits soon for a possible chicken salad melt.  Hopefully Brian will like them!

Brian's on his way home now and in our old apartment that timing meant I would start making dinner now, however, in our new house that means I better be putting the final touches on dinner!  45 minute commute, versus 30.  Bye for now!

The Second Day

So does one blog everyday?  Well, here's my second post.

This blog is a reflection of my journey, so some posts won't be long, or well written.  I'm considering not proofreading some of them.  Rebel.  So my goal is to be honest.  And then look back through it and see patterns in my life/thoughts and discover more of who I am in Christ.  I feel a lot of pressure to be funny on here, or witty, or deep and profound.  But that requires so much effort, it doesn't come as naturally for me as I would like.  I fear that if I were to be a Twitterer and tweet every hour, I would appear as a high school student who's up and down and all over the place.  You surely wouldn't be able to tell I was a Christian from every single post.  In fact, I cuss a lot.  Sometimes more than others, cuss words tends to reflect my heart with Jesus.  When I'm feeling close to Him they don't even cross my mind.  When I am far from Him, they are as normal in my thoughts as regular speech.  They often come out of my mouth as well, because they are in my heart and thoughts.

So.  In summary, I am starting this blog so I can boast in my weaknesses, like Paul says to do.  Because I sure as hell don't have everything together.  Or even know what that phrase means.  BUT.  I know that I like to appear as if I have it all together.  That is a lie and does not work.  So I'll try this approach and boast in my weakness as a way to say that I need Christ even more.

The Start

Well, here's my first attempt at a blog.  Or, a blog post.  I feel like an older person on facebook, "what's this poking business?  what's a wall?"

It's 11:25pm and we just got back from Barley's.  So fun.  Barley's.  Friends.  Wade's birthday.  Good music from Howle + Mosley.  Lack of beer (very sad), but so much fun.  Such enjoyment.  So tired.  So old feeling that it's 11:30 and I'm dead tired.  Yes, being pregnant makes me more tired, but we used to do that at least once a week!  Barley's!  That was a normal dinner.  Guess this is getting older :)  I don't mind it one bit.

Well, tomorrow I don't have to go into work, so I'll paint or something.  More later.